Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Life is a suicide mission.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz