Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
A double negative is a big no-no.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.