Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…