Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

How times have changed.