Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.