Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
The only good comments section online is on recipes
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.