Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
dictator is short for richard potato
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.