Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.