Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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The dark side of Canada
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*