Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I put the p in pants.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m not proud
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows