Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.