Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
It’s a gift
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.