Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.