Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad