Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

the council will decide your fate

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……