Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Saw this yesterday lol
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.