Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Math at Halloween.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
the simulation is moving too fast
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
A friend helps you before you need it
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win