Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool