Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.