Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”