Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
jesus, what did this guy do
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
#Caturday
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”