Be vigilant
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.