Be vigilant
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
started wrapping my pills in cheese
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers