Be vigilant
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
SQUARREL
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.