Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front