Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.