Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.