Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.