Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist