Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Um … Hot Wings please
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
