Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune