SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*
I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.