@CatherineLMK

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

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@rockymomax

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

@thenatewolf

*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*

I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!

@Daveastated

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@SamGrittner

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.