Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Twitter is an abusement park.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”