Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.