Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: