Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

🤣

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day