Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Flowers bee like
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets