Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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That was easy.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Windchimes
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch