Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
She puts the hot in psychotic
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog