Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Breaking news:

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*