Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
i just found this in my phone
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.