Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

No Google it does not

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON