Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Gods work.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…