Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”