Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name