Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.