Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.