Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.