Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!