Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH