Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

When you have to use a public restroom.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.