[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!

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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???


Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!


Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.


If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs


[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”


Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?


Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*


If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”