[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”