[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
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be done. Case closed, fellas.
1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.
Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?
Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!
Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old