@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

You Might Also Like

@GarryShandling

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

@bulls_horns

1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.

@ewfeez

Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@McGrumpenstein

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@UnFitz

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

@Sassafrantz

DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?

Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!

@jake_lach

Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old