Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

🤣

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.