*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The glory of fall.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
wtf
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!