Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Dyslexics are teople poo!

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.