Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any