Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…