Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”