Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

I will never stop laughing at this

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.