Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.