Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.