Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight