Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.