Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro