Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]