Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

The legends were true

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”