Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.