Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

My first child will be named New Folder.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts