Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.