Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.