Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Muppet Screams
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Aaaa…CHOO!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.