Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

nobody’s gonna understand

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

I didn’t come here to be called names

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.