[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks