Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Passwords are more important than ever.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

😩😩😩

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”