Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
More like Kate Missington.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character