Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

good morning

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here