Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Just a phase…

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all