[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.