[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends